topping dysphoria
i've been having some complicated feelings about topping (and being in a dominant role) lately, and what i'm writing here now is an attempt to sort through my own feelings more than anything else.
i generally enjoy topping - i don't have overwhelming bottom dysphoria, it feels good, and i'm pretty good at it. i am also hopelessly drawn to bottoms. but sometimes expectations around topping can make me feel dysphoric. the expectation that it will be happening, for one, since i'm not always in the mood to do it. the expectation that my body will always cooperate with my intent to do so is another. there are also sometimes expectations around how i'll do it that tend to lean very heavily on evoking masculine and/or dominant energy, and i don't necessarily want to fuck how a man fucks every time.
i also don't necessarily want to be in the dominant role every time, either, whether that's explicitly as part of a kink dynamic or implicitly in the way a top is expected to take the lead romantically. i always appreciate when someone trusts me enough to ask me to domme for them, and generally will enjoy doing so if we can find a dynamic that works for both of us, but being someone's domme means taking on a lot of decision making and emotional responsibility that i don't always have the energy for. taking the lead in general is often a stressful experience when the world treats your sexuality as a trans lesbian as inherently predatory. and sometimes i want to be pursued, too, or to be taken care of for an evening, or to hand my leash to someone i trust and let them make the decisions for a little bit.
(while writing this post i also made a flogger out of a single continuous piece of rope because i have adhd)
i have, finally, gotten to actually be submissive with people i trust a couple of times recently, and as much as i knew this was something i needed both events were revelatory experiences. on the first of these two occasions i was topping while being directed by my collar and frankly i haven't fucked that enthusiastically in years. taking away just the need for me to make the decisions about how things would go felt absolutely freeing and in a way i rarely experience i was able to truly act without thinking. for someone who spends way too much time in her head, this is bliss. the second occasion, when i had a shock collar used on me, sent me fully into subspace for the rest of the day. i tried sushi for the first time ever that day and was surprised to discover that i actually really like sushi despite avoiding it for my entire life.
i often wonder if people would have the same expectations if i was a cis lesbian who happened to own a strap instead of a pre/non-op trans woman (who also happens to own a strap in addition to her natural equipment). just because i have it doesn't mean i always want to use it, even if at times i do. there are plenty of other things we can do that will likely be a lot of fun for both/all of us. but it seems the expectation is different because i've got one that's attached, because i have sensation there, because it still works, because i probably used it before transitioning. and apparently because i also have "top energy".
this is probably, in a lot of ways, a result of me remaining in the closet for far too long and desperately trying to prevent anyone from finding me in there. i deliberately cultivated a masculine energy to hide my femininity, i leaned into dominance because that was expected of me as a man, and only after starting to transition could i really admit to myself that i wanted to bottom sometimes. i fall into these same patterns of attraction and pursuit now because it feels comfortable and safe, and because i think part of me still doesn't know how to let go of that self-preservation instinct to hide my more feminine or submissive displays of desire.
i need a little more balance in my romantic life, though, and i don't want this to become something i'm bitter about, so i need to figure out how to let go of that instinct. i've surrounded myself with people who make me feel safe, so it's not serving me anymore. and as scary as it is, i need to do a better job of intentionally communicating what i need or want from other people. both of these things are probably going to be incredibly awkward and embarassing at first, but so is everything else about trying to figure out how to be a whole person in medias res. it's also been implied i may not be dressing slutty enough.
what i'm trying to say is that someone should really grab me by my collar and fuck me already-