dissociation, age, and gender
i don't feel 37 years old. i don't even really feel like i'm in my thirties. i don't know yet if i'm stuck or just catching up, but it feels a lot more like my mid-late twenties in here. i think a lot of this ultimately is due to long-term dissociation, which is something i don't directly talk about the specifics of much when it pertains to myself. there's a lot of stigma around this that can make it scary to discuss, particularly some aspects i'm going to get into below.
when we're very young, we have distinct "ego states" that we switch between depending on the situation. normally, around 5 or 6 years old these consolidate into a single coherent persona, but significant enough trauma can prevent this from occurring. what comes next when this happens varies from person to person, but for me these distinct "ego states" have largely remained as sort of fragments of a whole person, each with access to a different set of memories, skills, emotions, but all "me". because they're all "me" and these fragments sometimes overlap in purpose or capability and can share memories, it took a long time to start figuring this out.
i don't think the "me" that is writing this right now is the same "me" who was in charge before i transitioned, in a very real way. before, i used to occasionally say that my relationship to masculinity felt more like that of a transmasc person, because i never felt the same as the cis men around me. growing up small and skinny and too friendly with girls despite attempting to date them and never really outgrowing that meant i needed to come up with my own version of masculinity to get by. and now, even that part of myself is more comfortable in this body - it feels more right this way having undergone almost a year of feminization. i think, in order to survive, my brain created a version of me that could embrace masculinity, despite the dissonance in my body. this part of me is also, i think, considerably more bisexually inclined than the rest, which can get interesting - boy smell can be a lot sometimes.
but i think this fragmenting is also why I've never really felt as old as i suppose i should, particularly given that i have not exactly led an uneventful life. the "me" that is here now, that was finally able to take charge and run things in here again after a lifetime of repression, has only been half-present (if that much) for large portions of my life. my memory prior to transition is fuzzy and full of holes, and my childhood and adolescence are almost entirely blank spots. a version of me experienced and remembers these things, but for me they're just... not there. but things are sticking better now, and i feel more... stable. like i'm not taking a backseat so often to another version of me that can handle what's happening. and a lot of the new memories i'm making have a way of pulling the bright spots in my past back into focus.
i don't know if these fragments will ever consolidate, but this one is growing and getting stronger and that feels right. and needing the others less feels like progress.